The Housewife Assassin Series

Tip #26: How to Save Your Neck--and Cut His Throat

No one likes a wrinkled neck! When promenading in a pastoral setting, be sure to wear a broadbrimmed hat will keep your throat  concealed from the sun's harsh rays. 

Speaking of throats: to cut one, consider using  a wire garrote, which can be concealed in any tennis bracelet.

Extra tip: When his blood spurts, be sure to move fast to get out of the way, so that you avoid unsightly stains on your pretty sundress.

 

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MORE TIPS in The Housewife Assassin's Relationship Survival Guide! Read an excerpt here!

 

 

 

 

Tip #25: Squeeeee! What to Do When You See a Rat

When baiting traps for rats (rodents) be sure to wear rubbergloves. Otherwise you'll leae a human scent, and they won't come near it.

When baiting traps for rats (human), use lace gloves--and certainly cyanide. Martinis, anyone?

 

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MORE TIPS in The Housewife Assassin's Relationship Survival Guide! Read an excerpt here! 

 

 

Tip #24: Yes, You Can Be Your Very Own Welcome Wagon

Even if the neighbors seem declasse, go ahead and drop off a chocolate cake. Tip: Put coffee in the batter-- to cover tartness of the belladonna poison.

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MORE TIPS in The Housewife Assassin's Relationship Survival Guide! Read an excerpt here!

 

 

 

Tip #23: A VERY Important Pool Cue...

Remember, the pool keeps the kids cool, burns off energy, tones their little bodies, and gives them fierce appetites--all good things!

Gentle reminder: drowning the neighborhood bully will NOT be appreciated.

 

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MORE TIPS in The Housewife Assassin's Relationship Survival Guide! Read an excerpt here!

 

 

Tip #22: When you should keep tabs on your babysitter...

If your little one cries when you walk out the door, that could be a detachment issue-or an attachment issue between your babysitter and her beau. But don't panic. Just lie in wake of her boyfriend, then shoot him in the thigh if he shows up.

 

(Granted she won't want to babysit for you ever again, but that's okay, since you've got just as much on her as she has on you, so give her a gentle reminder that mum's the word...)

 

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MORE TIPS in The Housewife Assassin's Relationship Survival Guide! Read an excerpt here!

 

Tip #21: A Friend Stopped By for Coffee? Tell Her to Sip on This

Coffee klatch with a nosy neighbor? I wonder if she knows you mean it when you say "If I tell you, I have to kill you!"

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MORE TIPS in The Housewife Assassin's Relationship Survival Guide! Read an excerpt here!

 

 

Tip #20: With Some Summer Accessories, Viewer Discretion Advised

Because an Uzi creates an unsightly bulge, keep a stiletto in your heel. Don't forget the SPF 60!

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MORE TIPS in The Housewife Assassin's Relationship Survival Guide! Read an excerpt here!

 

Tip #19: There's Nuthin' Like Sumthin' in the Oven...

My oven is state-of-the-art. Don't believe me? Go ahead, stick you head in to see...Oops, the gas is on? Oh my God! Now, how did THAT happen?

 

 

 

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MORE TIPS in The Housewife Assassin's Relationship Survival Guide! Read an excerpt here!

 

 

Tip #18: Want to Play Dress Up?

Hubbies love new lingerie--on you. Turn the tables.

But he needs some persuasion to slip into that nightie, go for the gun...and aim LOW.

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MORE TIPS in The Housewife Assassin's Relationship Survival Guide! Read an excerpt here!

 

 

 

Tip #17: Need a Primer on Fashion Statement No-No's?

Rhinestone encrusted Uzi isn't a great fashion statement--but the LadySmith 5-shot 357 Mag fits in any Gucci clutch.

Cute, eh?

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MORE TIPS in The Housewife Assassin's Relationship Survival Guide! Read an excerpt here!